LOSS

Hi

I received a really supportive and encouraging and deeply pastoral email from a ministry colleague a few days ago.   It really struck a chord with me. While I am in a better space (especially mental health wise) than I was particularly in early May, I continue to struggle like so many in these uncertain, scrambled pandemic times.

The colleague’s early paragraph summed things up for me well: “ Fatigue. Stress. Exhaustion. Depression. Burnout. It’s a confronting continuum of declining wellbeing. And it is a present threat to each of us in ministry at this time.”

I have sought to take time out and will continue to do so, but it doesn’t erase the sense of loss I so deeply feel. Obviously everyone’s context and way-of-dealing-with-things is unique, just as they are unique in God’s crafting, but I feel loss in so many ways. Here are a few … many of them surprising for the strong introvert I am!

• So many “last” ministry events or services
  • ministry retreat … I so look forward to this each year
  • Healthy ministry breakfasts
  • In-person synod … my final while in full time ministry
  • In-person Presbytery meetings
  • This year’s Easter and Pentecost services
  • my church’s annual prayer retreat day
• The loss of any real sense of routine or normality from week to week (well, as much as one ever does in congregational ministry)
• Loss not having weekly preaching opportunities. My weekly online SSUC midweek musing is an attempt to mutually deal with that
• With this, while I totally “get” all the health/safety realities that prevent this, I miss so deeply not being able to be responsive face-to-face with people in being faithful to my call (or at least part of that call) to be a preacher and pastor.
• Loss of regular face to face pastoral ministry with my local church community esp. with seniors
• Loss effectively of Tarragindi’s 3Fs Seniors group due to COVID-19 realities
• Loss of opportunity in my final year to go to Iona and spend time with the Community there (true: hopefully some time in the future that option might re-emerge)
• Loss of the way Dale and I expected to spend 2020 – Dale in 1st year of post-teaching retirement and me preparing for retirement.
• Loss of feeling of well-being … so often feeling flat, no energy and so on.
• Loss of excitement

I’m so aware of a few things:

• that plenty of others are going through some version of what I am.  Yet, the word, the feeling, the deep paining for me is … loss.
• as I blogged a few weeks back, I am profoundly grateful:  here’s the link on Gratitude.

So yesterday, I woke up early and the following lament tune “came”.  Yes, I’ve called it LOSS.
I name it for what it is.

I give thanks for my musical gifting … which has enable some totally-unexpected mostly-instrumental journalling and the love of Dale, my family and church family. That has helped, along with God’s constant grace fresh every morning.

Take care, folks.
David